When motherhood is too heavy, look for love to guide you to healing.
My bare feet pressed into the sand as I watched the ocean rush up the beach. The water pulled further up each time, I decided against setting my bag down. Instead I just stood there and watched as swimmers decided on the very best moment to jump off the rock into the rolling water. Some swimmers were strategic and timely with their movements. They freely let go of the rock, and became loose, trusting the air to carry them. Free-falling and delicately splashing into the water, they stepped on the beach and resumed their practice over and over.
There were other swimmers, not as graceful. These swimmers were uncertain of letting go, they didn’t time themselves well. They were messy.
These swimmers were sucked into the waves mid crash. I watched as one returned to the beach where I stood. Just a foot from me, water spouted from her mouth and nose, sand covered her face and tangled hair. Some smooth, some messy, the swimmers took different paths but all ended up on the shore.
Motherhood has been feeling too heavy for me lately.
My job feels more difficult than it has ever felt before.
I feel uneasy about the job I’m doing. I feel inadequate in my abilities and knowledge.
I feel scared and I’m scared about feeling powerless.
I feel frail and weak against a force I’m not certain I can beat.
I’m trying to hold it together.
I’ve been wallowing the last few days. Wallowing in a sadness that has truthfully, consumed me and made me question many things. Things I’ve trusted and held true my whole life. I feel guilty for moving on and resentful to others who found the shift so easy.
It has felt like I was on that rock by the ocean. I knew I couldn’t stay there anymore. I needed to move on. I needed to jump and swim towards healing.
I would be the messy jumper.
It would likely be ugly. It would be hard. But it had to happen. I needed to swim away from the fear, anger, hurt that was consuming my heart and thoughts.
I was told I needed to look for love to heal. When I started looking, I saw so much love in my life.
Listening to the sweet childhood giggles when popping bubbles.
Watching my child run in the sun.
Feeling my husband’s arms wrap around me in comfort.
Holding gifts made by hands and hearts that love me.
Simple, but big love in my life.
Love is bigger than the evil and hurt.
But first I had to be open to love. I had to choose love. I had to embrace love.
I had to jump off my own rock by the ocean. I had to want to jump even if it was going to be messy. It was the path to healing and regaining my strength and confidence as a mom. The heaviness lifts with each day, each prayer and each piece of evidence of love I witness.
I look for love.
Love gives me strength in motherhood.
Love gives me confidence in my abilities and knowledge in my job as a mom.
Love gives me power in my motherhood.
Love will help us overcome evil.
I believe love wins.